First comes love, then marriage, then breast cancer…
“You have breast cancer,” were the hardest words I ever had to hear.
I was GUTTED!
I was alone when I heard these words, having to go home and tell my spouse was even harder. He was stunned. He listened, we talked through everything the doctor told me. It took him less than 24 hours to break down and cry. He cried in anger, he was mad and bewildered all in the same.
“How could this happen to you, you of all people.”
“You are the healthiest person I know.”
“You always make thoughtful choices with what you put into your body,” he said.
He apologized for being emotional, he felt bad and did not want to do that in front of me.
And then we both cried.
It was a moment that looking back on, I am glad that we had because when you are fighting cancer with a spouse you are fighting for more than just your own fears, you are fighting for theirs too. It made me fight harder, it made me want my health back even more.
The months that came after that were not pretty.
My hubby rarely left my side, he came to every treatment with me. He cooked, he cleaned, he got me food and it was more than just food, he brought me anything I wanted. If I wanted a sandwich from the sandwich shop 30 minutes away, he drove me to “that” sandwich shop. He was that attentive to my needs and I will forever be grateful.
I noticed that he got tired towards the end of my treatments which let me know I was not the only one that was wanting this shit to be done. He never once complained though, he never asked anything of me other than to rest and get well. I never let him know that I intuitively knew he was growing weary. It's a cancer fight, not a misery competition. It’s important for everyone involved in your journey to have a safe place to feel, especially the one that is closest to you. I never demanded he verbalize his feelings because I know him, he did not need to.
Whether he says it or not, your significant other will feel these things during your cancer journey...:
Be frustrated with any number of things
Be fearful of you dying and leaving him to raise your babies without you
Be ready for treatments to be over just like you do
Be tired
Be physically “standing off-ish” and put his needs on the back burner, every single one, even his need to be intimate with you.
The lack of intimacy made me feel heartbroken. Cancer was taking everything, it took my hair, my health, my boobs and now my husband. I did not feel pretty, I did not feel desirable and I felt ashamed of my shallow thoughts of losing my boobs. I could not bring myself to verbalize these feelings to my husband because I was so ashamed of them. So, I let them stew and fuel my insecurity about my marriage potentially falling apart. I felt him pulling away so he himself could self-preserve and stay sane. We have a busy life with a lot going on. We have two beautiful kids that he had to take care of too. So asking him to show interest in me, in an intimate way, with no hair and all the other side effects of chemo seemed ridiculous.
He kept his feelings to himself, I kept mine, we operated more like roommates than lovers, I was confused and lost. I could not separate my need to be desired and pursued by my husband from the fact that I was sick and in the battle of my life.
I let this thought permeate my being. I rarely spoke of it because of the shame I felt. The words would eventually come out in a fit of anger, about the lack of intimacy in our marriage. I will never forget the dumbfounded look on his face…. as if all he was doing was not proof enough of his love for me. He wasn’t just trying to go through the motions of being the supportive husband, he was fucking rocking it! The insecurity that I had created was being projected on to him which is not fair.
Here is what you need to know. The physical intimacy part of your marriage will come to a complete halt which is scary and makes you believe that your marriage is over. You will feel like your husband doesn’t love you the same way. You’ll feel like you are different inside, like you have changed, which is true. Just do not be blind to the actions being taken on your behalf by your significant other. Once you shut yourself off and believe the lies you are telling yourself is when the lies win.
Cancer is a taker, but it can only take what you allow it to have.
Stay connected to your spouse, verbalize your feelings and give your spouse’s feelings space too, so you can stay connected. If you can do this, then your marriage will be stronger because of it. The physical intimacy will find its way back into your marriage. It will be more fun, more meaningful than you have ever remembered.
Ask me how I know. 😉
Much love,